Diana Winston on maintaining meditation and mindfulness practice while being the mother of a young child.
Photo by Ksenia Makagonova.
The most common question I get as a mindfulness teacher and new mom — right after “Has she slept through the night yet?” (FYI, no!) — is: “Are you still able to meditate?”
The implication is that amid the chaos of a wailing, demanding, pooping baby, my formal meditation practice would likely find itself out the window. And that’s sort of true… Well, depending on how you define meditation practice.
Author and child.
No, I rarely sit on my cushion these days. I did move my zafu into my bedroom for those chance nights when my ten-month old is asleep and I have the energy to sit up properly. Unfortunately those nights are rare. Now the puffy zafu has become my daughter’s favorite obstacle course: Can she climb it with a single bound?
So formal sitting practice is sort of, well, on hold, for a decade or more.
But life practice — day-to-day mindfulness with baby — is alive and well, and… perhaps more profound than I ever would have imagined. And here’s how it works.
- I’m mindful when I breastfeed. That’s a no brainer. There’s not a lot you can do while breastfeeding. You’re just sort of sitting there. So I tune into her breathing or my own breathing, trying to have no agenda, to just be. I attend to the little slurps and my own blissy feelings. I try to reel my mind back when it goes astray, but often, since she’s so damn present (and occasionally pinches me if I space out), mindful “breath-feeding” has become second nature.
- I’m mindful when I walk. I take walks with her in a sling. Up and down the street, through my neighborhood. When she’s awake it’s challenging as she needs to interact with every dog we encounter. But when she sleeps, I enter my body. My consciousness slips down into my feet and legs. My back-body comes alive. I enter a state of full presence and we walk together in mindfulness.
- I meditate when I change her millionth poopy diaper. As I lean over to drop a soiled diaper in the bucket I feel my body, notice my hand against her to protect her from rolling off the table, mindfully connect with the physical act. I notice my mindstate, am I agitated? Am I hoping she doesn’t wriggle and fuss? Am I thinking of something else? Am I present or miles away?
- I’m mindful when I’m simply observing her. When she turns and twists and rolls and explores, I bring my awareness into my body and also include her. So I am not rigidly focusing on her, but letting her be a part of the larger field—while staying in my internal seat. She seems so naturally mindful—I just attune to her.
Truthfully, the variations are endless. Formal practice may be obliterated, but of course I meditate now. What else would I be doing? Mindfulness in the midst of chaos, responsibility, activity, life itself.
Yes, perfect. Babies (and children) are mindfulness manifest. The only difficulty is our resistance to their complete presence. But trust me, there is no need to put your formal practice on hold for 10 years or more. Rather, our love for our children is the most compelling need to continually deepen and refresh our formal practice. Time will open for you once again, and help always comes with you need it. No need to hurry and no need to delay.
Congratulations and best wishes.
Wonderful post! Thank you. I experienced the same thing with our first child (the second now being on the way). I couldn't sit and she couldn't sleep through a night. So I spent much of the night and early morning holder her and walking kinhin. I made silent affirmations to her and to my practice those nights that have carried over now for two years and hopefully more.
Those nights were a challenge and days at a new job. Continuing practice was hard but I feel it was forged that first year into a stronger one.
Cheers,
John http://www.zendirtzendust.com
Thanks so much for the inspiration! Yes, lots of walking-with-babies meditation!
Thanks Diana, your post is very insightful. It gives me hope as an aspiring mommy that I can keep my practice alive. I wish you well.
Mandy
This week, two of our community members came to our weekly meditation gathering with their 2 month old daughter Cecelia. It was the first time in a long time that we've had a infant in the meditation hall and I loved it. My own meditation practice benefited immensely from being confronted with my ideas about what 'good' meditation was when John Tarrant insisted on having his then infant daughter Serafina in the meditation hall, sometimes delivering dharma talks with her on his lap.
We instituted 'childcare' as a formal job during our week long retreats, giving parents time in the hall without their children and giving members of the community the opportunity of exploring the possibility of that too being their practice.
I'm reminded of the Japanese Zen teacher Hakuin's motto, 'Meditation in the midst of activity is a million times more valuable than meditation in the midst of stillness.'
I'm also reminded of a koan we use, 'Hush the baby'.
lovely essay. I have written about this kind of practice myself at my blog http://parentingaspath.blogspot.com/. While I agree with Ms. Miller's sentiment and aspiration regarding formal practice, I know that in my own circumstances, financial and time pressures are such that formal practice is possible in only very small snippets during this time when my children are so small (2 under two). I try and view this too as a practice of generosity and surrendering to things as they are- I surrender my attachment to my practice looking a certain way and relax into what is happening in the now.